Yesterday and today have been pure hell.

The thoughts of suicide enter my head often. It becomes more frequent as time passes. I actually said it out loud yesterday not totally, but implied it to my kids. I just said I wasn’t happy and I didn’t understand my existence. And to that I don’t.

I feel useless. I have no support, no one who cares about me, I’m constantly expendable. I’m what people need me to be when they need me to be. I’m not totally he first thought, I’m the after thought. And this is just a hard way to live.

In church I listen to pastor talk about our purpose. My purpose seems to be to take care of others, but who takes care of me?

I remember when this all started my husband told me I always act like everyone is out to get me. But tell me this, is it that everyone is out to get me or that I just don’t have anyone who cares about me? Who supports me?  truly feel alone in this fight, in this world, in this life.

I will never forget always thinking that suicide is such a selfish thing. As a I now battle these thoughts almost daily, I have to tell you my stance has changed. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to do it, but what I do know is I’m living in hell on earth. I dread waking up some days. And I honestly just think it would be easier for everyone including my kids. I don’t believe I would be missed. I believe I am loved but I don’t believe my existence is meaningful to others. For me it’s a daily battle to fight this battle of life.

This is the most open I’ve been on this topic. I’ve made my references but I just needed to say it today. I don’t need to call a helpline or have anyone check on me. But people just truly do not understand how their actions impact others. They don’t understand how the pain they inflict can be life changing and can alter a persons reality. They don’t understand when you inflict such a pain and betrayal that you truly alter a persons world.

And don’t misunderstand me. I know this mother fucker doesn’t define me. But to say I shouldn’t be in pain over my marriage isn’t real life. It’s such a big part of who I am. I spent this time serving him and serving our family. I’ve lost myself. And now here I sit, alone. Our kids are older, and I just feel I am not needed. I seriously question every single day why I’m here.

And nothing triggered this. This is in my head daily. It’s my demons I fight I suppose. I just pray my life can get in order soon. I just want to feel valued.

XoXo- Nikki

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