This is what it would look like…

Dear Family and Friends-

I know my decision to end it all has come as a complete shock to you. But I battled this for months. My life began to fall apart and I just saw no hope.

The one thing that made it difficult were my children. (Daughter) and (son) please know it wasn’t you and I loved you more than anything in this world. You were my entire world. You will never understand why I made the decision I made, but I just need you to remember the times I sad I felt sad and alone and it was hard. That wasn’t you at all. I was just sad and alone.

To my husband- you were the catalyst. You abandoned me. My pain, my suffering, my agony, meant nothing. My loyalty to you over these past 22 years meant nothing. You were giving attention away that should have been meant for me. All I wanted was your attention and love. You always said you were never good enough, but it was ME who was never good enough. Never good enough for you to be faithful, for you to love me, and for you to respect the fact that I have held down our family pretty much on my own. Your lack of respect for me is heartbreaking. I did not deserve what you did to me in the least. But as I have said for 22 years, I always come second, I just wanted to come first for once.

To my employer, what a joke. I stayed loyal to my boss, to my former boss… and for what? For you to turn your back on my daughter and then turn your back on me? To tell me I am not worthy of moving up and I should look elsewhere? Accusing me of things I didn’t do? Losing faith in me. My husband may have been the catalyst but you were the final straw. Just another form of someone not being faithful or loyal to me, as if I am just not fucking worthy. For that, to both my current and former boss, you can go to hell.

And to my friend Greg, you hurt me and the truth is, you didn’t even care enough to realize it. I clearly cared far more than I ever needed to about you and you, in your typical form, get pissy at me over something you did and basically don’t talk to me? In many ways I see your lack of communication as a blessing. But it was still just assholish and it hurt, even if the truth is we shouldn’t be communicating.

I know my last blog entry and this one may have you worried I am going to do something. I am not. But the thought crosses my mind multiple times a day. And today, while my thoughts raced, I thought about if I had to write a letter.

XoXo- Nik

#marriage #family #affair #infidelity #hurt #pain #brokenfamily #heartbreak #reconciliation #restoration #prayer #faith #limerence #lies #deceit #suicidalthoughts