This strange feeling…

I have always thought when a person made a decision to end their life it was due to extreme depression. I, however, feel very opposite today. My 45th birthday is March 9… that gives me a little over 6 months to decide what I am going to do. But understand this… my thoughts are now […]

Dear Tommy…

I knew better than to get myself wrapped up with you. We were both not 100% emotionally available. Now I find myself in a familiar dark place as I deal with the pain of my marriage, the pain of making the decision to enter another relationship, and now the sudden pain of our relationship ending. […]

Doom and Gloom Strikes Again

It has been a while. And for the most part, it has been because I have been in a really good head space. So I was just living life, and not blogging. Which is a mistake. No more breaks for me. What has happened since I last checked in… well lets see. My best friend […]

Videos and the “book”

I know I know I said I wasn’t going to take this long to blog again. My work has kept me so insanely busy that it has just been difficult. I have made a series of “if I went through with this” videos. I guess you could say like suicide letters. It is not that […]

I am the face of depression. Are you?

The thing people do not realize is depression does not have a face. If you met me in real life, you would (now) never guess that every single day I battle the will to stay alive. Every single day I pray for the strength to make it to the next day. Every single day I […]

I thought I was doing ok…

but today I realize I am not. Triggered. H came home today… you know from his two days off with her. He shows up to an event for our D which, as you know, I am her coach. It is akward. No one knows what is going on but it clearly looks like something is […]

My Friend Suck Chapter 2: The Best Friend

Dear Best Friend: Once upon a time I considered you my rock. But last year, when I fell in such a heavy state of depression that I tried to end my life on two separate occasions (granted you didn’t know that part) you decided to use my distance AGAINST me as a reason not to […]

Sigh….

A month ago… we purchase 2 cars together. Now… he has moved his direct deposit to a private account and says he isn’t sure how much longer he is going to be here. In some ways, I think moving out could be a good thing. He will see how hard it really is because if […]