I know I know I said I wasn’t going to take this long to blog again. My work has kept me so insanely busy that it has just been difficult.

I have made a series of “if I went through with this” videos. I guess you could say like suicide letters. It is not that I have a grand plan to go through with it… but for some reason things have just gotten so much worse for me emotionally. Which I don’t quite understand, I was doing so well. I keep thinking it may be the holidays.

I also started a book that has all of my accounts and passwords including this one. I think it is important that people have access not only to my finances, but to my thoughts during all of this as well for clarification.

To be honest. nothing much has changed. People still ignore me or treat me as if I am expendable. I am lonely, I am sad, I am broken, and I am just trying to make it. I am trying to find the positives each day but can’t.

Today I started crying in front of my gay friend, Rogelio. I believe I have an entry dedicated to him. His response, let’s change the subject so you don’t cry. And that my friends is the problem, no one cares enough to really try to understand what is going on. I even mentioned having thoughts of taking my life. His response… he did too and he started telling me about his dilemma from the night before. Which basically was that he was having a hard time with trying to date and feels lonely.

I don’t know how people make it through this. I am trying. But we are almost 2 years into this. I know it won’t last forever but it is lasting long enough that I don’t think I can do this much longer. I have someone who is also interested in me which would be positive except: 1. my family needs a leader and it is me so that is not an option right now and 2. he is not my type, sadly.

I don’t know guys. I am at a lonely low. I really have no-one. My “friends” saw an instagram post where I posted a picture of my crying and I said strong people cry too (because everyone thinks I am so strong) and they were like let’s do something Friday. This was Wednesday. By Friday they had already forgot and made other plans. My life.

XoXo- Nikki

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