Where do I begin?

My conference ended today and I decided to just drive home at 230am. Partially because I was awake and it was easier to drive at night instead of driving in the morning and dealing with everyone checking out. Partially just so I’d be home… alone… or so I thought. When I got home my husbands car was in the garage. So when I invited him to bring the kids to the hotel pool I guess he lied when he said they were going to our hometown the evening before. Oh well. I went to bed. Next thing I remember, the lights on in my bedroom and my husband standing there starting at me. It scared the shit out of me. He basically decided to tell me in my half ass asleep state that he would let the kids come with me since they wouldn’t wake up with him. He left and went to work. Why was I going to our hometown? An event for my father in law. You know… because we pretend all is ok. Which I guess helps in a sense because it means we aren’t moving towards the dissolution of our marriage. But the constant lies, deceit, and lack of respect is emotionally taxing. I literally pray every single day for the strength to continue to stand for my marriage. I made a vow, and I intend to honor it regardless of how hard it can be. I do love the man. He has just hurt me more than anything or anyone else has ever hurt me in my life. How to move on from that? I pray each day for the strength to also be able to do this.

I went to church today for 21 days of prayer. It was nice to be back at church and pray there instead of a hotel lobby. As I was praying God told me to pray for… the other woman. I guess I can’t call her what I traditionally call her when referring to prayer. I tried to bargain with God… but mistake because He always wins! Fine 🙄 so I said I’ll pray for her but I won’t say her name. God said otherwise. 🙄 ugh. So I reluctantly prayed for her by name as I was directed. It was tough, but I did it. Obedience.

I will admit that when prayer was over I did feel better. But it really had every little to do with praying for her. Went to the gym, went to lunch, and with kids in tow headed to our hometown. Husband met us an hour later to come to the hotel and here we sit my my in-laws and our children. Me with my wedding ring on and him, as usual and completely disrespectful to our family, ringless. I’d like to have a few choice words but I digress… I’m the only leader my family has right now. Everyday I forgive my husband as I’m forgiven by Christ.

As we were driving, I saw two swift trucks. If you aren’t familiar with the importance of swift trucks on the situation a quick google search will give you the answers you need. I rarely see them so seeing 2 in a 20 minute was exciting. After the second one I heard God say I would see at least 4 more, and I had to figure out the correlation in relation to my reconciliation. I ended up seeing 5 more! I eagerly started google searching but still didn’t find anything. But as I type this… the 7th month (July) is when dday was. At that point I was told one year. So far that’s all I got. I’ve looked for scripture and such and can’t seem to find anything relative. If anyone can help me understand this I appreciate it.

As I sit here with my family my heart hurts to not even be talked to. Almost 22 years, I am raising our children, I take care of our home… and he treats me as if I’m no one. Limerance is a bitch. I don’t understand. I can’t wait for it to end. I truly miss my husband. I really pray we can recover from this.

XoXo- Nikki

#marriage #family #affair #infidelity #hurt #pain #brokenfamily #heartbreak #reconciliation #restoration #prayer #faith #limerence #lies #deceit