Guys, I can’t.

I felt like I was doing ok for the most part. Husband came home Saturday and this is the longest stretch he has stayed.

Then, true to his (selfish) form, he bombards me at work. First thing he tells me is he thinks once I can accept it is over we can be friends and co-parent. Let me tell you if we can’t be married then you are my enemy because you have hurt me far worse than anyone else.

Then he tells me he is looking at getting a job where kids and I are (where he technically lives) but that he won’t live with us. Then asks about splitting finances. I tell him I do not want any major change until we can go to this workshop I want to go to. He kinda half ass agrees even if it is just for me. So he thinks, because I think it will be eye opening for him.

I leave work, unable to focus, and sit in a church parking lot for an hour, and just cry, and pray. I do believe God told me things would get worse after a baptism and my daughter was baptized on 3/30, but that it would be short term. That things would turn around for the good but I had to be patient and trust Him. That it wouldn’t be much longer even if it seemed to me to be the worst. And low and behold less than two weeks later, bam.

I contacted my coach and she basically told me to stop texting. So… I stopped. Then he sent another text later telling me how much our AC cost to repair and ends it with a text that says “You now have a 10 year warranty.” It is still our home.

The thing of it is I can see into the future. So to speak. I know him. I know he will regret all of this. I know that ultimately this isn’t what he will want. I know and understand how limerence works. And I know I have God on my side. But I am still hurting. I still feel broken. And I truly do not want to continue to live on this path of pain and uncertainty. I just want my life back…. my marriage… and my family. Today, I feel like I took 100 steps back.

The irony here is this: I think something is up with his job. He won’t tell me, I kind of asked. But all of a sudden NOW he wants more. NOW he is willing to look here for work. I asked him to for the past 4 years, begged practically. He always told me he couldn’t make more than he is now. But now all of a sudden not only can he possibly, but he is willing to leave the company? I have a sneaking suspicion something is going down, like maybe they found out.

Guys, my heart is breaking. And I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Really I don’t. I feel like I have seen my happiest of days and at this point I am just hanging on for my kids.

XoXo- Nik

#marriage #family #affair #infidelity #hurt #pain #brokenfamily #heartbreak #reconciliation #restoration #prayer #faith #limerence #lies #deceit #suicidalthoughts

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