Back to my marriage and away from my dark thoughts…
Last night my husband came home. Kind of out of character because lately he has been coming home on his day off and not in the evening when he gets off. In some ways I see this as a positive.
But today… I lost it. As I was driving home from the gym I literally begged God to end all of this. Not my life… just my marital situation. To let this fog finally lift. To get us on a path to restoration. As I got home I sat in the garage and I cried… but I needed out of my car because it was stuffy. So I grabbed my bag, but my head down to be unseen, and rushed in the house. But I was seen… he asked me what was wrong but I refused to answer. I went in the bedroom, closed the door, and just fell to my knees crying. He came in asking what was wrong, I said nothing. He asked again, I said nothing. He said you don’t just cry like that because nothing is wrong. I refused to answer. He waited a couple of minutes and walked out of the room. I got myself together and went to church (without him).
At church I sent him the following text which my MH coach helped me with “I just felt sad and I am hurting today. I just don’t like what is happening with us and it makes me sad. I just needed a release. I couldn’t articulate it in the moment. It wasn’t my intention to be obvious I just couldn’t keep sitting in the car because it gets stuffy. Thank you for checking on me. Have a good workout.”
Now before I go into the rest of the day. I am sure some of you are like why are you being so nice? Remember. I am following the Marriage Helper program. It is a non profit organization that helps save 3 out of 4 marriages. So I have to try to keep things as safe as I can right now for both of us.
His response “Yea but what has happened has been going on for years now.”
My response “I am sorry you feel that way. And I know the role I play in it. It makes me sad and it hurts. It has been eye opening. It isn’t what I want in my life, or our life or our kids lives. I don’t want to return to the marriage we had, but I don’t want our relationship like this. I really just want us to heal in a better marriage with each other. It hurts because I always want to say this but I try not to push. But I knew I had to do some soul searching and I had to make some changes and address some things I have done that have caused hurt and pain. The truth is I love you and I want to do life with you in a far better way. It hurts because I never know the words to say. I promised myself that I would never talk to you in the ways I had in the past even through hurt or anger. To find a better way. I promised myself I would never intentionally hurt you again and never make you feel a lack of support from me. To always let you know you are appreciated, you’re respected, and you are loved. I know I haven’t been the perfect wife or partner. I can’t change the past. I just try to be a better one moving forward.”
Now before I say his response, let me tell you my husband has always been a man of few words. Me… I talk… a lot.
His response “I want to be friends. Haven’t wanted to continue with the marriage. Haven’t wanted to put you or put the kids through that. I am still trying to get back to (where we own our home) but wouldn’t want anything different. ” Wait… he has never talked about trying to get back here. Last time he told me he told his job he would go anywhere at this point. So this is a new and shocking development.
I immediately contacted my coach. He told me a few things:
- These are the typical things people say in the fog. Relax, it is normal.
- Most spouses in a fog don’t even want to be friends and
- Most spouses in the fog aren’t concerned about hurting their wives or their children. They just want the divorce.
My coach went on to tell me there is a lot of positive in that regardless if I see it. To remember, that most marriages with a standing spouse end up surviving. The divorce rate is 50% when there is no standing spouse or the standing spouse gives up. He told me not to lose sight, that as long as he has been doing this he sees a lot of hope in this.
After feeling encouraged, I messaged him again saying I respected his feelings but would he consider the workshop so if nothing else, we could work on healing if we had to move forward apart. I told him how hard it is to rarely talk when most of my adult life we have talked daily. Now mind you, I have no desire to move forward apart, but at this point, I just want to get him to this workshop to help save us. And what did I get… silence.
But… he then asked me to go shopping with him, son, and daughter. He hasn’t asked me to do stuff in a while so I was shocked. I went. In the car he joked around with me, fixed my watch, etc. I think this was his way of showing me we could be friends without the workshop. Nonethless, I am not giving up on the idea of the workshop. He will eventually agree to it.
We sit here now, as a family, watching the Super Bowl. And for these past couple of hours, life has felt normal, even if it is far from it.
I will tell you also, the devil was working hard to get me not to go to church today. Even when I was there at the beginning of the service I was wondering why I went today. Then God spoke… Ezekiel 36:26-27. This verse will guide my prayers for my husband… for him to have a new heart.
Needless to say I am on an emotional roller coaster. I think my husband needed to see that I am still really hurting over all of this. I begged God today for a breakthrough… I am hoping this is somehow helping get us on the path of our breakthrough.
#marriage #family #affair #infidelity #hurt #pain #brokenfamily #heartbreak #reconciliation #restoration #prayer #faith #limerence #lies #deceit #suicidalthoughts